Wednesday, October 1, 2008

McCain calls for Monopoly Bank Bailout Package

In a startling move, presidential candidate Senator John McCain, for a second time in two weeks, announced today that he is suspending his campaign to go to Washington and support the bailout.

This time however, the bailout he is referring to is for the bank in the game of Monopoly. After a rash of defaults by players that made some dubious investments, such as building houses and hotels on Mediterranean abd Baltic Avenues, the bank has run out of cash. Their premise that other players would eventually land on these properties and would pay out has repeatedly been thwarted by bizarre behavior by the dice. Players are now jumping from Community Chest to Just Visiting the Jail to Free Parking. Some are even happy to end up in jail and lose 3 turns, so long as they don't have to pay the rent OR do maintenance on their properties.

Even the cards in community chest and chance are coming up as favorable to players. Consider this one that came up recently to a woman from Alaska, "Congratulations! You've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect VP Nomination!".

Adding to the bank's woes are players that steal from the bank while others aren't looking. Many blame it on the bank for lack of regulation and oversight, Sen. McCain, who has repatedly voted in the past against regulation, is now calling for stringent regulation and oversight of the bank.

In Washington, Sen. McCain hopes to convince members of his own party, many of whom are skittish about supporting a bailout of the Monopoly Bank using taxpayer money. McCain however hopes to have better luck this time around since many Republicans have houses and hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place and don't like to see the value of their own properties go down.

Analysts say that this is a last ditch effort by the senator from Arizona to revive his campaign from the disastrous interviews that his running mate has given on Network television.

In a related piece of news, lukewarm cadavers around the nation are revolting en masse against Scott Adams, the creator of comic strip Dilbert, after Adams reportedly referred to Sen. McCain as one. Lukewarm cadavers feel deeply insulted by the name-calling since they strongly believe that they have a much better economic plan to offer than the republican presidential candidate.
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