Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Palin accuses Obama of palin' around with Left-Wing Radical in Kindergarten

GOP Vice-Presidential nominee Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska hurled yet another accusation at Democratic Presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama today. Palin said that Obama was friends with Richard Graystone, the noted Nobel laureate and eminent economist of our times, when they both went to Kindergarten in Hawaii in 1966.

Palin portrays Mr. Graystone as a communist because he and Paul Krugman, another Nobel winning economist were at the same day-care in New York, a year prior to Graystone moving to Hawaii. Mr. Krugman is considered to be a liberal economist who often write for the New York Times. Although Mr. Graystone was awarded the Nobel for his ground-breaking work on free market economy and positive effects of deregulation, Gov. Palin contends that he is a communist by virtue of having been in pre-school with Mr. Krugman.

The accusation was the main piece of primetime news even on the always fair and balanced, Fox News Network. Even one of their most unbiased and neutral analysts, Sean Hannity, expressed shock that Sen. Obama would pal around with Graystone. The reader may recall that Hannity was extremely reluctant to bring up Mr. Obama's association with known domestic terrorist and another Chicago professor, William Ayers, because Obama was only 8 when Ayers indulged in his anti-govt activties. Hannity told his viewers that Obama ought to have known that Graystone was in pre-school with Krugman and that Krugman would turn out to be a communist. Hannity said that this shows Obama's poor judgment in choosing his company.

A snap poll of Fox showed that his viewers agreed with him. 70% of the respondents said that Obama should have known about Graystone and 30% said, 'F*&k Yeah!'.

In an unrelated poll conducted on Fox News, 99.99% of their viewers said that they believe the Earth is flat and that's one of the reasons why they don't visit Alaska (because they're afraid that they would fall off the edge of the Earth if they went too far West). A mysterious lone voter made up the remaining 0.01% and rumors about the lone vote being cast from the Governor's mansion in Alaska are running wild on the internet. Experts suspect that the lone voter may indeed be Gov. Sarah Palin who has repeatedly said that she could see Russia to the West of her house in Wasilla.

Other news media such as NBC, CBS & CNN were criticized by the McCain campaign for not taking this story seriously. McCain complained of blatant bias in the coverage of new events. NBC's Tom Brokaw responded by saying that there was no bias against McCain/Palin and that the only known bias that NBC had was against stupidity. He also said that NBC was working hard at removing the anti-stupidity bias by running shows such as Lipstick Jungle and Kathy & Kim. Sphere: Related Content

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Joe the Plumber to go Shopping at Neiman Marcus

Irked by the fact that Sarah Palin got to go shopping and drop $150K on a wardrobe reset, media darling and Republican star, Joe the Plumber has decided to do some shopping of his own.

In addition to Saks and Neiman Marcus, Mr. Plumber plans on shopping at Mark Shale and Armani. Mr. Plumber is reportedly looking for suits more expensive than Obama's Hartmarxs and shoes more expensive than McCain's Ferrangamos. When asked about his shopping budget, he replied, "Considering the fact that I am doing more interviews daily than Mrs. Palin has done since the beginning of this campaign, my budget will be at least twice that of her's". Reporters pointed out that while Mr. Obama's suits were purchased out his own money (proceeds from the sale of his two books) and that Mr. McCain's suits were purchased using his wife's beer money, Ms. Palin's clothes were charged to McCain's campaign which has accepted federal funding (taxpayer money). An irritated Mr. Plumber fumed and said, "So it's taxpayer money. Big deal. Aren't taxes supposed to be a redistribution of wealth? How about distributing some of that to me?".

Upon hearing those comments from Mr. Plumber, McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt quickly annointed Steve the Electrician as the official campaign spokesman, saying that Mr. Plumber was becoming increasingly erratic. Backing up Mr. Schmidt's claim are statements from Mr. Plumber such as "You shall refer to me as the 'Maverick formerly known as Joe the Plumber' " and "I'm suspending all my interviews with Fox News and going to Washington to solve the economic crisis".

In other news, Ms. Palin has reportedly setup a 'Presidential Exploratory Committee' named 'Palin 2012'. When asked about her initial thoughts on a running mate, she replied, "I already have a mate, Todd Palin, and Boy, can he run! He's got more executive experience than me, since he's the one really running the governor's office in Alaska now anyway!" Sphere: Related Content

Friday, October 17, 2008

Tom Brokaw to interview 'Joe the Plumber'

In what seems to be a desperate attempt at one-upping CBS and Katie Couric, NBC today announced that Tom Brokaw would be interviewing Joe the Plumber. The 3hr interview will be aired in 11 parts starting next Monday. When asked why there were 11 parts, NBC said that they were trying to do 1 part for every day that was left until Election Day. The dramatic move comes after the second Presidential debate hosted by Brokaw is being credited as a permanent cure for insomnia.

Meanwhile, it has been learnt that Joe the Plumber is not really a plumber and is just some rich guy trying to buy a plumbing company. He apparently does not even have a plumbing license. When asked about this, he said, "I don't need no stinkin' license from no government. I just have to charge $300 for replacin' the faucet and I'll do just fine, thank you! And Oh! If the IRS comes knocking at my door to get the back-taxes that I owe, I'll shoot 'em silly, ya hear me?".

Mr. Plumber has changed his last name to Plumber and his middle initial to T. (for The). His old last name of Wurzelbacher was too long for folks to remember and sounded more like a hot-dog than an plumber. On Thursday morning, his house was besieged by an army of reporters trying to get their own angle on him and the state of the election in Ohio.

By Thursday night, Mr. Plumber was refusing to do any more interviews, claiming exhaustion from all those questions and from the mike being stuck in his face. When pressed with more questions, he said, "Why don't you go ask Gov. Palin? Heck, I've done more interviews in 12hrs than she's done in 12 weeks!".

In other news, Barack Obama is seriously considering conceding the race to John McCain after a meeting that he had with President Bush in which he is said to have learned about the 'real budget deficit'. An ashen-faced Obama reportedly came out of the meeting with the President and said, "I can't believe the s**t-house that this guy's leaving behind!". Sphere: Related Content

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The One!

As you may have heard, this year's Presidential Election in the US is between This One and That One. While their last names are the same, they are not at all related (by any stretch of the imagination). That One is clearly different from This One.

Here is a transcript of a debate that This One recently had with That One last night, moderated by NBC's Tom Brokaw:

This One: You know who voted for the Energy Bill of 2005? That One!

Brokaw: Oh! That One.

This One: No, not that one, but the other "That one".

Brokaw: There's another one?

This One: Yes, that what I've been trying to tell the American Public all these days. That One is not what he seems. That one's really another one. The other one is really dangerous and not worthy of your trust.

Brokaw: So that one didn't vote for the bill but the other one did?

This One: NO! That one and the other one are one and the same.

Brokaw: You mean, there's no other one and there's just that one?

This One: No! There this one (pointing to himself) and that one (pointing at his rival).

Brokaw: So who voted for the bill and who voted against?

This One: I voted against; that one voted for.

Brokaw: You mean that one voted for the bill that was floated by the other one?

This One: No, the other one is the evil one.

Brokaw: You're saying that, that one is evil?

This One: No, that one isn't evil, the other one is.

Brokaw: But you said that, that one and the other one were one and the same.

At this point, That One decided that he'd gone long enough without saying anything.

That One: Tom, it's this one and the other one that are the same. Not me. I'm that one, remember?

At this point, the debate ended abruptly after NBC determined that most people had switched off their TVs. The audience in the hall was then woken up, given some coffee and sent home. The post-debate spin-meisters then got together and talked about this one, that one and the other one until one (1am that is).

Meanwhile, a nationwide poll of 1000 undecided voters who viewed the debate came out this way:

This One: 4%
That One: 10%
The Other One: 1% (this ties the lowest score the other one has ever had)
Oh my God! We're really screwed !!: 85%

Sphere: Related Content

Saturday, October 4, 2008

McCain concedes Michigan as well as trying to win this election on issues

As was generally expected, John McCain has conceded the state of Michigan to Obama/Biden. McCain today told reporters that he was focusing his efforts in Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Ticked off that McCain was conceding Michigan, his running mate, Sarah Palin decided that she was going to do some conceding herself. To that effect, she conceded today at a rally in Englewood, CO, that there was no way that her party's ticket was going to win this election based on issues. Instead, she said that the Republican campaign was switching to a tried and tested tactic called Swift-Boating. This, she explained, involves an attempt to assassinate your rival's character with blatant lies and smear. While intelligent and decent people might be put off by such lies and dirt, Palin said that she is confident that a majority of Americans are neither intelligent nor decent and that this "silent majority" has helped her party win 2 elections in a row. She went on to add that at least McCain has a positive IQ, albeit single-digit - GW Bush couldn't even claim that. Offering even more evidence of the voter's lack of intelligence, she laughed aloud and said, "Listen, if they're dumb enough to believe that I have foreign policy experience because we can see Russia from Alaska, then I'm sure they'll believe any nonsense we put out there.". That, she said was "quintessentially American".

When asked if this meant that McCain was also changing the name on his campaign bus from the "Straight Talk Express" to the "Smear Talk Wagon", Palin said, "You betcha!".

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Lehman Brothers CEO attempts suicide - Wachovia forgives luxury Yacht Loan

Richard Fuld, CEO of bankrupt Wall Street Investment firm Lehman Brothers, attempted suicide in his $60M luxury yacht today off the coast of Miami, FL. According to the US Coast Guard who arrived on the scene within 10 minutes of receiving a call from another yacht owner sailing close by, ex-WAMU CEO, Alan Fishman, Fuld had shot himself twice in his upper body.

With the collapse of Lehman Brothers, Fuld has lost millions in stock and had fallen back on his yacht loan payments. Repeated attempts by Wachovia Bank who owns the loan, and the Miami Police Department over the past couple of months had been unsuccessful. Fuld owns a 20-bedroom vacation home on the Intercoastal in Miami.

Neighbors said that they have seen mail and packages disappear from the front door and believe that Fuld does indeed inhabit the house from time to time and has been coming out in the dead of the night to clear the mail.

At the time of posting this blog, the news from Miami-Dade County Hospital was that Fuld was recovering well after surgery and had reportedly asked for a bottle of his favorite wine from his vacation home, a 1787 Chateau Lafite. In an extraordinary show of solidarity and bipartisanship, Congress today passed unanimously the Millionaire Yacht Bailout Bill. The bill is designed to ensure that all loans on luxury yachts bought by CEOs/CFOs of troubled Wall Street Firms are forgiven by using taxpayer money to pay them off.

In justifying the loan forgiveness, President Bush explained at a White House Press Conference that this was a great example of trickle-down economics working. Govt. bails out Wall Street and Wall Street bails out their CEOs and CFOs. He added, "What could be a better example of Reaganomical success?".

Meanwhile, Addie Polk, the 90yr old Ohio woman who had her own mortgage forgiven by Fannie Mae after she shot herself in an attempt to commit suicide because of impending foreclosure of her house, is contemplating suicide again as she realized after regaining consciousness that her insurance company had canceled her health insurance and that she'd be left to pay the $234,000 hospital bill herself. Incidentally, the hospital bill was more that 5 times the mortgage payoff, which was $45,000.

Asked by reporters what other homeowners facing foreclosure of their homes would have to do in order to obtain loan forgiveness from Fannie Mae, republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain said that he empathized with them and that he and his wife have had to put one of their 12 houses, a 13bdr ranch in Sedona, AZ on sale themselves because of a dip in beer sales, but told the American people not to worry and that the fundamentals of the economy were strong. In responding to the same question, his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said, "
Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions.". While most reporters left the room scratching their heads, Fox News commentators Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity were all in praise of Palin's answer, critizing those that questioned her of "gotcha journalism".
Sphere: Related Content

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

McCain calls for Monopoly Bank Bailout Package

In a startling move, presidential candidate Senator John McCain, for a second time in two weeks, announced today that he is suspending his campaign to go to Washington and support the bailout.

This time however, the bailout he is referring to is for the bank in the game of Monopoly. After a rash of defaults by players that made some dubious investments, such as building houses and hotels on Mediterranean abd Baltic Avenues, the bank has run out of cash. Their premise that other players would eventually land on these properties and would pay out has repeatedly been thwarted by bizarre behavior by the dice. Players are now jumping from Community Chest to Just Visiting the Jail to Free Parking. Some are even happy to end up in jail and lose 3 turns, so long as they don't have to pay the rent OR do maintenance on their properties.

Even the cards in community chest and chance are coming up as favorable to players. Consider this one that came up recently to a woman from Alaska, "Congratulations! You've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect VP Nomination!".

Adding to the bank's woes are players that steal from the bank while others aren't looking. Many blame it on the bank for lack of regulation and oversight, Sen. McCain, who has repatedly voted in the past against regulation, is now calling for stringent regulation and oversight of the bank.

In Washington, Sen. McCain hopes to convince members of his own party, many of whom are skittish about supporting a bailout of the Monopoly Bank using taxpayer money. McCain however hopes to have better luck this time around since many Republicans have houses and hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place and don't like to see the value of their own properties go down.

Analysts say that this is a last ditch effort by the senator from Arizona to revive his campaign from the disastrous interviews that his running mate has given on Network television.

In a related piece of news, lukewarm cadavers around the nation are revolting en masse against Scott Adams, the creator of comic strip Dilbert, after Adams reportedly referred to Sen. McCain as one. Lukewarm cadavers feel deeply insulted by the name-calling since they strongly believe that they have a much better economic plan to offer than the republican presidential candidate.
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